This post is pulled from a recent coaching call with my group coaching clients about how easy it is to default to blaming celebrities or the media when body trends shift, and why that keeps you stuck in a loop where your standards are always coming from outside of you instead of being set by you.
This short clip comes from that conversation, where we were specifically talking about what it actually means when someone else’s body affects how you feel about your own.
Here’s the bigger point that came out of that conversation.
Nothing is New, it Just Gets Repackaged
There have been a handful of times in my life where I’ve felt really solid in who I was, clear, focused, and certain in how I was moving through the world. One of the first times I remember fully trusting myself was when I was around 17-19… and now in my 40’s I have that same feeling again.
Kind of a deja vu moment because the thing that brought it up is something I had strong opinions about 20+ years ago too. The same topic is back in the conversation because nothing is actually new, it just gets repackaged.
We’ve Had This Conversation Before
In the early 2000s, thinness was the standard. That was the look, and it was everywhere… models, actresses, magazines (no social media though. wild, right!?). The dominant conversation at the time was about how the media and entertainment industries were responsible for how women saw themselves, and how those standards were causing harm…
I didn’t agree then.
I don’t agree now.
I remember this clearly because of my senior project I worked on throughout the whole school year. Fun fact, for my project I decided to make my prom dress! And even more of a fun fact, my prom date is now my life partner. Dang, that is just wild.
Back to school projects… there was a written portion of the project that I focused on the fashion industry and instead of following the expected narrative, I argued that it wasn’t their responsibility to determine how we feel about ourselves.
That didn’t land well with some of the teachers and what I was “supposed to” write about. And at the time, I probably couldn’t articulate it the way I can now, but the core of it was this:
external influence exists, but it is not the root of how we see ourselves. That part is internal.
Do I think representation matters? Absolutely! Do I wish there were more diverse bodies shown? Of course! But that is not the same thing as saying it’s their job to make us feel secure.
Commenting on Women’s Bodies Is Still Not Cool
Now, over twenty years later, we’re seeing the same pattern. Celebrities show up looking drastically thinner, and the conversation immediately turns into criticism… about the example they’re setting, about what this means for women, about how damaging it is…
But all I can think is, “What do you mean ‘what it means for women?’”
It should mean nothing.
First, we need to stop commenting on women’s bodies. Full Stop.
If someone’s body changes, that’s between them, the people close to them, and their doctor. It doesn’t need to be dissected publicly, I don’t even think it matters what the intentions behind it are.
But second, if someone else’s body is impacting how you feel about your own, that is not something they are doing to you. That’s internal, something being activated within you.
And those are not the same thing.
(p.s. of course there are people who are dealing with very sensitive and serious issues with mental health or eating disorders, this real talk is not about any specific situation that requires professional attention).
The Standard Has to Come From You
When your sense of what your body “should” look like is shaped by what you’re seeing around you or so-called “trends”, you will always feel pulled in different directions… and it’ll never be enough (no matter what shape or size your body is).
Standards that come from the outside will always be unstable. So if you’re using external “standards” as your reference point, you’ll keep adjusting yourself to match whatever is currently being rewarded or praised.
So the real work is deciding what YOUR standard is, independent of what’s being modeled, promoted, or normalized at the moment. Not what you think you should want, and not what feels acceptable, but what you actually want for yourself!
And being willing to own that without needing to blame anyone else for influencing you… oh that’s powerful.
The Only Way Out of That Loop
Okay, so HOW do you not let it affect you? How do you not get sucked up into the toxic loop? Here’s how:
You do things that require effort, consistency, and follow-through… things that force you to rely on yourself.
You get physically stronger and you challenge yourself to do hard things on a daily basis, and on purpose!
And you stay committed when it would be easier not to.
Because that process is yours. No one can do it for you, and no one can hand you the result.
And when you go through it, when you stay in the suck purposefully and consistently, everything changes… how you see yourself, the trends and the noise and most importantly how you continue showing up for yourself changes.
You stop looking outward for direction because you’ve created your own reference point.
When you have that, you’re not easily influenced, you’re not constantly questioning yourself, and you’re not chasing every new standard that shows up.
You’re grounded, powerful, confident and centered.
And from that place, you get to decide what you want… without it being a reaction to what’s happening around you.
